Hyakugojuuichi

While Kenton is out wading in the riverbeds of the New Mexico desert, I’ve had plenty of opportunity to study the (traffic) stream fauna of the California highway system since I came here. What I have uncovered is astounding, though it is not uncommon knowledge. Nevertheless, I feel its significance merits a small measure of analytical devotion, so that the rest of the world (i.e. the three people who read this blog) may know what to expect should you visit the Golden State. The following gives a brief summary of the various species I have encountered in my day to day translations.

Megalomaniacs: Most dangerous of all, the megalomaniac drives like everyone else is just an obstacle to get around as fast as possible. Has little to no regard for traffic laws and must be No. 1 at all costs. What No. 1 means on a freeway, nobody knows for sure.

Redneck Racers: A variety of megalomaniac who invariably drives a pickup truck exhibiting varying degrees of dilapidation, vehicular hygiene, and work- or outdoor sports-related customizations.

Phil DeGapp: Has an insatiable need to reduce the space between him and the next car as much and as quickly as possible.

Scaredy Cats: Perpetually 5-10 mph under speed limit. Likes to drive in the very center lanes, where normal traffic belongs. They feel most at home in the parking lot. I was surprised to find this breed even existed on the highways, but they’re far more prevalent than one would expect.

Pushers: Drives so close behind everyone that you can see the whites of his eyes...those horrible beady little eyes…

Shove-its: Related to Pushers, they view real traffic like the gridlock puzzle. If they could telekinetically shift your car into a better position for them, they would. But they can’t, so they settle with trying to use their auto to do it.

Speeders: Actually know how to drive very fast on the freeway while being relatively safe. Think of other drivers as potential competition. Usually drive oversized go-karts with coffee cans for mufflers. Spoilers are apparently a symbol of sexual prowess, and some speeders double or triple their spoilers in a vain attempt to get chicks.

Color Blind: Can’t tell a yellow light from a red one, even though they’re in different places on the signal. Very self-absorbed, they expect everyone to wait for them to clear the intersection whether it’s their turn or not. They are forward-minded, and are always looking for ways to push the boundaries of what running a red light really means.

ADDs: Aren’t able to just drive their cars; they must always be doing something else, be it have a cup of coffee, read the paper, discipline the kids, shave, do makeup, play the oboe, etc.

Flappers: Their cell phones have grafted to their ears. The majority of them favor having their most deeply emotional, traumatic, or distracting conversations while driving. You can also find these in the supermarket loudly relating intellectually stimulating dialog to their conversant such as, “Yeah, I’m in the supermarket, on the cereal aisle. No, I just came to get a few things. Afterwards I’m gonna go buy a new thong at Wal-Mart.” *shudders in horror*

Extremists: Their cars are always described with superlatives: lowest, fastest, shiniest, tallest, loudest, muddiest, biggest tires, highest suspension, most opulent, etc. They’re all clearly compensating for something.

Mystery Men: A variety of extremist that has the darkest possible window tint installed in his luxury vehicle. They prefer to be unknown, and their driving style is equally unknowable. It is suspected that the majority of them are pencil-neck computer engineers with big salaries.

Dieters: This variety of driver is so morbidly obese that they lower the suspension on their side of the car. They nearly always drive sub-compact cars. As it is when walking, they’re always the slowest ones on an uphill, straining their engines to the max.

Audiophiles: Enjoy their music so much they insist everyone within a 500 ft radius be able to hear it. They especially appreciate music with vulgar lyrics.

Biohazards: Have not had their car smog checked since it rolled off the assembly line, which was probably before the smog check cutoff date anyway. Keep them downwind at all times if possible unless asphyxiation is one of your pastimes.

Bicyclists: Usually have a silver spoon up their butt and are convinced they are motorists too because they’re on wheels. They act like they own the road when really they’re just throwing their lives away on the streets. They suffer from acute identity crises and low sperm counts.

DUIs: Every society has a drug culture, and the roads are no different. This scourge eventually eliminates itself from the population one way or another. Unfortunately they tend to eliminate more than just themselves.

Good drivers: Endangered species, possibly extinct in CA.

CHiPs: Ostensibly present to enforce traffic laws, nobody is sure they really exist. Sightings are few and usually from questionable sources. It is rumored that the whole thing is a government conspiracy. Their phantom presence does little to deter most from breaking traffic laws in some fashion.


A few supercatgories are worth mentioning. These may apply to any of the above mentioned drivers except, obviously, good drivers. Originally CHiPs were de facto exempt from the following, however recently obtained data has disproved this hypothesis.

Idiots: An all-encompassing term for the aforementioned drivers. It is usually the first cry of identification out of a person’s mouth when encountering one of them.

Osmosis drivers: Pass from one lane to another very slowly. They are eventually absorbed into the other lane after an extended period of time.

Indecisives: Can't settle in their minds which lane they actually want to be in and so change lanes constantly.

Think-Fasts: Give you a “warning” that they’re changing lanes by letting their turn signal blink once and then diving into their new position.

Everybody else: Changes lanes with no warning whatsoever. They assume everyone else is Borg, sharing the exact same thoughts as theirs.

Myopics: Insist on pursuing the car in front of them as closely as possible. They may be attempting to inspect the other car’s aft section for subtle defects.

Screechers: Wish they were jack rabbits; they feel they must be first out of the gate, so to speak, by constantly stomping on their accelerators at green lights. These do not mix well with the Color Blind class of driver.

Half-Wits: These are the converse of screechers: half-wits have a nervous deficiency that causes extremely delayed reaction to stimulation by green light.