This Just In
Update:
I called mom (God bless her!) because I needed to hear a familiar voice. I cried for a few minutes. I haven't cried in a very long time. Mom hasn't seen or heard me cry like that since I was a little kid. It was refreshing. Then we had a nice long chat about various things. I talked to some other folks online as well.
I'm still not sure what to do though. The fears and anxieties I've been feeling touch parts of my character that I simply can't access. That's annoying, because I want, very fervently, to change these things about myself. They're a lack of trust in God, an exposé of how weak my faith is. I suppose it's one more thing to add to the laundry list of character flaws I'm praying for God to work on, but geez! Will it ever end?
One thing mom and others said is that I need to get connected with a group of my peers and have a social life. DEFINITELY. It's so hard hearing about how everyone else's lives are bustling: friends they're seeing, things they're doing, places they're going, and not be able to share those experiences with them. Please, be gentle when you tell me how fun and exciting your lives are and how much fun you're having with other people. Chances are, I wish I could be there with ya.
By the way, this all relates to the post immediately following this one, which I wrote earlier, when I was going insane.
1 Comments:
Basically what happened was I got really, really homesick. It's nothing exceptional among humans. I just really missed all the familiar people in my life. And I felt considerably better after talking to mom and a few friends online. I went to bed in a normal frame of mind. It's not like that's my state of mind constantly. Emotions and moods come and go, and even though the world may turn black for a day, it won't stay that way unless you make it.
And you were right, God never did leave my side. But even some of the great men in the Bible despaired from time to time. Jeremiah despaired, even Paul, who wrote most of the new testament epistles was disturbed to his core at some points in his ministry (I'll find the references later). And it was David who wrote words that Jesus himself repeated on the cross, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" because he was being hunted by an entire army. But God delivered him, and impossibly minor by comparison, God saw me through my little fog as well. But sometimes God steps back from us for a bit to see how we will react, whether we will choose Him or something else.
Your suggestion, while heartfelt, I'm afraid I can't agree with entirely. Yes, it's good to step back and look at things objectively; that's exactly what I didn't do. But to feel emotions as reality gives me exactly what I posted.
My flesh, well there are outlets that agree with my morals, I'm just not to that stage in all areas of my life yet. And to put off gratifying those fundamental drives until then is not repression, but control. All the rest of this world lives as slaves to their bodies. I mean, watch MTV or any movie or any sitcom and see what control they lack over the compulsions of their flesh. It is necessary to be both pure in mind and in body, because they are fundamentally united. If you are impure in your body, you will start thinking impurely, and if you think impurely, it will eventually motivate you to act impurely. But purity cannot be achieved on one's own power. That's why I constantly seek God's help. And being pure isn't an end in itself anyway, it's just another way to prove to the world that God is the center of my life, in desiring to keep his commands, and not being ruled by my impulses instead. The idea here is that God receives praise for the way I live my life.
Think about it, when you have to take a leak, do you just go right then and there in your pants like an infant? No, but you hold it until you can get to a bathroom, sometimes waiting quite a while and in sore discomfort. What I'm saying is no different in any sense.
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