Battlefield Schoolyard

I had the most heart-wrenching dream last night. I dreamt I had gotten engaged to a girl I love very much. Yet some time after this I decided to call it off because I felt I wasn’t quite ready for marriage even though she was. I did not own a house, I lived very far away, and her parents liked me, but were wary that my character was incomplete.

Now there was another man who asked the girl to marry him. He was more well-established locally and with her family. She loved him as well, but not nearly as much as she loved me. Yet because she was ready to marry, and her parents wanted her to do so, she accepted his proposal instead of waiting for me.

For some reason I was ok with this at the time. I was happy that she was going to build a life for herself with this man. They were married at some point although I don’t recall the ceremony.

It was only after this that I realized what a horrible mistake I had made in letting her go, but now there was nothing I could do about it. I saw her soon afterwards and broke down because she was now this man’s wife, never again accessible to me. The realization brought me to the floor in throes of agony such as I have not experienced in years, if at all in waking life. More than anything else in the dream I recall the velocity of my weeping.

It is hazy, but I seem to remember that she also was extremely distraught at the idea that we could never be together now, as though it had likewise not occurred to her. There were vague suggestions of annulment, but if only they had not already been on their honeymoon! She truly was gone, and I was utterly devastated.

Somehow in my dream I began to think to myself, “Nothing can be done now, so turn her over to the Lord.” It’s quite amazing to me that such a thing occurred to me in a dream state, but as my memory of the episode fades, I can recall that impression only becoming stronger and stronger in my mind.

Does this mean that I’ve truly given that woman over to the Lord? Does it mean that I am close enough to Him to let even the most precious person in my life belong to another man? I hope so, though I still dread anything like what I’ve described should ever happen for real, and pray it never ever ever will. This girl exists, by the way, and her identity and place in my life today makes this dream a thousand times more close to home than I can possibly express. The fact that I must yet wait a (long) while for her too compounds my anxiety, but I will try to give that over to the Lord as well. Wish me luck.

Now how’s this for irony: I went to a small non-denominational church in Santa Clara this morning and the sermon was on Matt. 6:25-34, the “Do not worry” section of the Sermon on the Mount. The focus, of course, was on not worrying about material things, but I’ve always thought it extends beyond that as well. The pastor put forth a very interesting quote from an anonymous elderly woman. She said, “I’ve had a lot of trouble [in my life], most of which never happened.” How familiar that is! I guess I’m a worrier; I must get it from my mother, who worries about everything all the time. But God is still in control in spite of all my worrying. This suggestion was made: When worrying about something, ask yourself, “What is true?” By so interrogating yourself, you shatter the defeating fantasy and reground yourself in reality. What is true about the situation? Anything beyond that steps out of God’s realm and into satan’s, where lies and deception breed.

In the most extreme case, worry is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the thing you worry about most comes to pass because of your worries. Here’s an example: You love someone, and she loves you as well, but you worry she may fall in love with another. So you try as hard as you can to make sure she loves only you. You pin her down with questions about others, you restrict her access to friends, especially guy friends, and you make every effort to win her over again and again. Well aside from exhausting yourself and proving that you do not trust this woman, you will drive her away because you have put her in a cage and she will escape at first chance. This is a very common thing in our self-possessed, love-me-first society. You’re only looking out for your own interests, and that’s exactly what’s wrong. The rightful place for your own interests is in God’s command, who knows what you need better than you do.