What time is it McGee?

I have the hardest time buying things. Necessities like food aren't a problem, but I mean consumer goods. It takes me forever, and not even just to find what I want. Being a child of the internet generation, my research skills are pretty well honed. It doesn't take me long to zero in on the product that does what I'm looking for. No, what takes me forever is actually getting around to buying it. There are two reasons for this, both monitary in nature.

The first is the parsimony I inherited from my mom, God bless her. All while I was growing up we never seemed to have money for anything, yet we never lacked anything either. I chalk the latter up to God's merciful providence, but it never stopped mom from complaining that we couldn't ever get ahead. I will grant that debts are a nasty nasty thing, especially interest-bearing debts like credit cards. I do recognize that my parents have been struggling to rid themselves of it for many years while at the same time raising a family of four. They've also been very generous to Alex and I over the years, especially in helping us pay for college. Nevertheless, I'm left with an attitude that I should never spend when I don't have enough to pay for it. While this is ok for small things like new socks, it doesn't work so well with larger purchases because it's damn near impossible to predict how much money you'll have. I can make rough estimates of my bills based on last month, but there are countless purchases that we all make that go practically unnoticed until we get to the end of the month and realize we spent everything we earned. 70% of the time I don't buy something because I can't convince myself I have the resources. The problem is that it sometimes spills over into buying things for other people, which, if done in a truly giving state of mind, should be blessed of God, and it can mean a lack of faith.

The OTHER reason I don't spend is I have a hard time convincing myself I actually need stuff. Most of my clothes are in good shape, and my workplace is relaxed enough to allow me to wear my normal clothes at work, so I don't see a need to purchase anything nicer that might cost more than what I'm used to. I've been feeling self-conscious recently at work, but it hasn't been enough yet to make me go buy nicer clothes. Another thing I inherited from mom and dad are distorted notions of what things should cost. I still get indignant when I end up spending $30 at a restaurant for food AND a cocktail. I really dislike buying $25 of gas and seeing the needle only go up halfway. However these are somewhat more justifiable since sometimes they are actually necessary...well gas is, at least. What I have a hard time convincing myself to buy are truly unnecessary things like computer equipment or movies/books/cds. While my peers eagerly fork out untold amounts of legal tender for these things every day, I spend in little spurts only every once in a while, and I'm still very picky about how much I'm willing to pay. This may not be an unhealthy attitude in today's world of hedonistic consumerism, it often stops me from buying even things that might be helpful. Another thought that always enters my head and puts on the breaks is "Is this really a wise use of the resources God gave you?" If I were a more generous man (sad to say I'm not), I could be donating large portions of my solvent assets to charitable causes which doubtlessly would make better use of it than I. I suppose this isn't an unhealthy attitude either, except that I, like all greedy and carnal humans, am loathe to watch large sums of my hard-earned cash go to things which reap no tangible benefits. I'm cool with giving what I've decided to give on my own, but I'd be hard pressed to give until it hurts. I'm just that selfish I suppose. But I digress, sorta. Well, not really. My conscience is convicting me ahead of time by casting doubt on the wisdom of some purchases, and I eventually overcome it with greed by hoarding my resources. Bah. This isn't where I wanted to go with this post. Now I need to go pray about it and try to feel bad that I'm rich and a lot of folks aren't.

How does God really expect us to be "in the world but not of the world"? Hey, didn'cha notice that we tend to enjoy things while we're down here? Whadd'ya mean by blessing some of us so much then not allowing us the privilege of liking it, but instead cast this onus of responsibility to everybody else? May as well not have given it to begin with, Big Buddy.

Gads, my understanding has become flawed lately. This is a bad development...