Friday, July 30, 2004

And so it begins

I'm on a library 15 minute terminal so I have to be quick.

Touched down at SJC at 10:20pm yesterday. got to watch an incredibly beautiful sunset from the air. I have never seen clouds like those: peach colored floating jungles of cotton.

My hotel is too swank for me, but the buffet breakfast is high quality. Downtown Santa Clara is Korean town--reminds me of S. Tacoma Wy. The library is filled with so many Asian and Indian people that I almost thought I'd stepped into UW again. In fact, I've seen more non-white people than anything else so far. There are four Japanese restaurants, two korean places, an indian place, and a Carl's Jr. within eyesight of the hotel. I think I may like it here.

Speaking of Carl's Jr. I had forgotten how good the food is there. They (and In-N-Out) do burgers the right way: char broiled with lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle. No more blasted bread-meat-bread McDonald's burgers for me!

I think I may have developed a cold somehow, so I spent most of today sleeping. I went to Safeway and got 4 gallons of drinking water so at least I'll be hydrated. The hotel room has a 'mini-bar' instead of a refrigerator. Most frustrating. It's stocked with drinks, but they're so overpriced that you may as well swallow quarters to have your thirst quenched. A buck-fifty for a bloody coke? Give me a break! I threw away the order form, put all the drinks on the counter and made room for my water jugs. There are a million ways to spend your money at this place. Some of the others include: Internet on the TV for $10, N64 games for $6.50/hr, internet stations in the business ctr. for $1 per MINUTE, room service breakfast for $8.50...geesh.

Well time is short and they won't let me get a library card until I'm actually in my new place, so you may hear from me again soon.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

My life in a box

The movers left here about half an hour ago. My car was shipped yesterday. It's all been very quick, but now the reality is setting in. I am no longer a resident of my parents' home, only a guest. My state of excitement is somewhere between going to Disneyland and being chased by a bear. I took some pictures of everything all packed up and when those get developed, I'll get them up on here somehow. It was strange to see it all go. It's strange to see my room all empty. It's strange to think I'll be driving to my first week of work from a hotel room. I'll feel like a pauper bringing my beat up old furniture into a nice new, clean apartment. Well, I've got 4 months until I have to start paying on my loans, I can use the extra money on some decent furniture, but at least I have something to start me off.

For the next several days I will languish in my home and the hotel room, anticipating my first day of work. It begins at 7:30, by the way. Oh well, can't have it all I guess. Hopefully that's not the standard start time, it's early even by blue-collar standards. With any luck I can make it a 9 to 5 thing, although I am on salary so that may throw a kink in things if they want me to work more hours. Dad says that the expectation is usually 50 hours a week for salaried workers. That's not very nice. The closer I can keep it to 40, the better. I don't want work consuming my life like it does for so many other professsionals.

Now that everything is out of my hands I have some down time to relax, see some friends, and in Sunnyvale, familiarize myself with the roads I'll be driving on daily. Well, for all my freaking out, God is still in control of the situation and I've just got to remember to praise him whatever the circumstances. So praise him! I need to eat lunch.

Stirring up the dust

As I said, I flew to San Jose last thursday in search of an apartment. I flew into SJC on wednesday evening and deplaned about 8PM. SJC is a small airport so you disembark on a rolling staircase and walk across some pavement into the terminal. I was greeted by a most unexpected sensation. The whole atmosphere reeked of wet dog. I looked around for the army of drenched canines but found none. The stench seemed to pervade the entire area because it smelled just the same at my motel. Must have been some kind of tree but I'm not sure, I'm still waiting for a horde of sopping mutts to overtake the city.

Bright and early I met up with Leo Hererra, the rental agent, and we set off in his dark-blue-but-almost-black Acura to the first location on his list of about 10. It was sort of a dive. It wasn't trashy or anything, but it just wasn't that nice. The next place was REALLY nice. Almost as old as the other complex, it was purchased 4 years ago by a company called Prometheus who gutted the entire place and essentially rebuilt it from original frame out. The rooms were nice, lots of fans, A/C, Cat5 wiring to a shelf in the closet meant for routers, cable modems, etc; pretty good location and whatnot, but it was a little to expensive. So we moved on. The next place was more decent than the first, but still not much to speak of. The next place was built in 1980 and looked like it. Sheathed in rust-colored diagonal cedar paneling, the interior decor was a jaundiced combination of brown, yellow, and orange. Blech.

So we went to lunch before checking out the rest of the properties. We decided to only visit two more since I had already been to one complex on the list and Leo told me two others were comparable to it. The last two, however, were worth visiting, in his opinion so I agreed. We had an interesting discussion over deli sandwiches about purpose in this life and the lessons you take away from it. Leo had been raised Catholic but is not now very religious because of it. The Catholic church seems to do that to a lot of people. Fortunately, the Spirit gave me some good things to say and I think it allowed me to show him that being a Christian is a lot more than going to church, and a lot less choking than people thing. Praise God. Some time before lunch he got a call from his wife: his mother-in-law was in the hospital having had a heart attack. I asked her name and said a quick silent prayer for her right there on the spot. Leo said thanks, his wife later said thanks after he talked to her. (It wasn't a heart attack after all, some kind of heart flutter.) Praise God.

We set off for the next property, a complex in Santa Clara called Mansion Grove. Built on the 30 acre estate of James Lick, a 19th century entrepreneur. In fact, his mansion, a historic site, is still in the midst of the complex. The same Prometheus company owns this complex and maintains it fantastically. It looks like a state park and there is a large grassy area surrounding the mansion along with picnic tables, a playground, and some basketball and tennis courts. They have 3 big pools and a fantastic workout and aerobics room (with a mirrored wall for me to practice poi/glowsticking in front of, yay). They also plan lots of activities like ski trips, pool parties, tennis lessons, etc. Needless to say I had pretty much seen enough by that time. The leasing agent was this leathery woman in her 50s or so with wiry blond hair and a candy cane disposition named Mary Jo Chesnut. Perfect.

The apartment they had available won't be ready until Aug. 9th, but after the discounts it's only $1070 a month, right in my range. It's on the third floor, so it has a vaulted ceiling AND a fireplace. It's got A/C, and it's pretty close to the main office. Due to the layout of the buildings, I have no neighbors to any side of me, only one below. Even Leo was somewhat surprised that it was available. Get this, it opened up 15 minutes before we got there. The guy was a client of Leo's and had to switch due to some mixup with his moving company. I don't think it was a coincidence. So we said hang on to it for a while because I wanted to see the other property just for grins.

The last place was alright. Looked very interesting, coated in vaguely pink stucco. Lots of small gardens, benches, and skyways. It had a very Mediterranean feel overall, but it was almost a little claustrophobic to me. The layout of the apartments was cool: an open kitchen with an upper counter that faced the living room and a large patio. Other than that, not too special, and it was 300 bucks more per month. Nevermind. I took the other place.

It looks like a splendid location. It's only a 6 mile jog down US101 to work, there's a shopping center comparable to U-Village across the street, and I live all of a mile from Paramount's Great America theme park. The only hangup is that it's almost directly in the flight path of SJC, but then, so are most of San Jose and Santa Clara. If you want my new mailing address, please email me. I should have phone hooked up soon, as well as cable internet.

For now, I'm still at my parents' house until I fly out Thursday evening. My current cell phone number will be active for a month or two yet so feel free to call me on that. I'm gonna be kinda lonely for a little while I think.

Friday, July 23, 2004

To Be Expanded

Here's the short end of the straw:

I went house hunting in San Jose on Thurs. It was an interesting trip. I got an apartment here for a pretty good price.

Moving is coming up real soon. Starting Monday, in fact. Can't believe it's already here.

I'll expound on these events soon. Cheers.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

A funny thing happened on the way to hell...

Lisa was right, stillness and solitude do not lead one naturally to the throne. It's fine to seek peace and quiet, but it indeed must be deliberate, and likely away from the familiar surroundings. Unlike Lisa, I wasn't so fortunate to merely enjoy this weekend's isolation.

It is definitely time for me to leave this house. This weekend saw me spiral to a depth of iniquity unmatched since the days before the bible studies of last spring. (UCU guys will recall the subject matter.) The ghosts of old temptation haunt this place and it was not long before my defenses crumbled. Oh yes, I fought mightily, but I can't help feeling I was destined to fall. Even an emergency late-night trip to Pete Rutter's place could not ultimately fortify me.

Digression:
I watched The Dead Poet's Society at Pete's. It's a very good movie and I recommend it highly. Joel would appreciate the lethargy of story movement and heavy character development. Additionally, it's rated PG (albeit a 1980's PG). Anyway, I left his place at approximately 3AM. Not the wisest idea, perhaps. The road to the freeway is a wide avenue that winds towards Dash Point. Towards the freeway itself there are some very large intersections. The last of these is about the size of a baseball diamond. As I merged into the far right lane in preparation to enter I-5 just prior to this final intersection, I noticed a sign indicating that the right lane was turn only. I glanced ahead and deemed that the lane continued past the intersection. In the time it took to consider these things, I became utterly oblivious to the red light which had been outstanding for some time. I drove straight through it and only dawned on me halfway through the intersection what I was doing. It was immediately then that I realized I was far too tired to be driving. After that I was all but panicked as I merged onto I-5, waiting for flashing lights to appear behind me and ghastly insurance rates ahead of me. I drove all the way home (30 miles) in that frame of mind, apologizing profusely to the Lord for my ignorance and begging Him to prevent me from being such a hazard to other drivers again. Ultimately I made it home safely and without being pursued by the police. I just hope they didn't take my picture and mail me an expensive ticket for reckless driving. Well, at least now I know when NOT to drive somewhere.

End Digression, Continue:
Where had God been? Where had my ability to choose Him gone? Somehow my cognition took a partially disparate path from my actions. I could think about what I was doing: I knew, and I shouted to the Lord about it. Still, I had not the power to stop myself. My will was bound and gagged and made to watch the humiliating spectacle. Like a prisoner interrogated, foul things entered my mind and entertained my flesh. It was a slow and painful burning, and when the fire had consumed enough of me, it engulfed even my reason and extinguished itself in a flourish of unholy delight.

By the time my madness ended this morning I felt utterly defeated and fully ashamed. What a let-down I am: to myself, to another, and to God Himself! The Son of God shed his priceless blood so that I could throw my gratitude away and kick the nails deeper. Rendered an empty vessel, drained of its vitality by the chaos of a sin problem that may pursue me the rest of my life, a very curious thing happened.

By no effort of my own a warmth of empathy washed over me. It filled me with energy that I knew had bled away. It filled me with Light. One of my favorite Christian CDs is the album Speakeasy by Stavesacre and I just happened to play it thence at full volume, still having the house to myself. As I found myself singing aloud and lurching heavily to Keep Waiting, some of the words dawned on me:

in just a little while
They'll wish that they were silent

Keep waiting, I'll be right on time


I can't pretend to know the full significance of these things. I can't comprehend how filling my mind with filth served any purpose other than to make my mental idle choke on its own fumes. But maybe, just maybe, I was brought low to be reminded. Maybe I had forgotten my position in the Heirarchy, or maybe I had become absorbed in the events of the last month and simply forgotten the Heirarchy altogether. What I do know is this: That God deemed it good to shower me with Grace sufficient to bury the lake of sin I had been drowning in over the last few days. All at once I was flooded with truths: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." "Where sin abounded, Grace abounded more." "Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me." "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

It is impossible to elucidate the gravity of this realization. It was as though I had been awakened from a heat-induced trance by a bucket of cold water. God himself reached down, down into the pit I had excavated, and saw fit to scoop me up, place me once again upon the Rock, and replace the failing flame within me! How unbelievably merciful he is! That final verse rang about in my head not as Paul's example, but a clear command from Jesus himself: "Forget those things which are behind and press on towards me." My Lord Jesus Christ poured his blood upon my sins and the Father sees them no more. Therefore, I am to see them no more: I must only see Christ.

Unexpectedly, this is a directive I have not considered often in the past, I soon saw. I had thought that by wallowing in my guilt before the Lord it would make my petitions for forgiveness somehow more potent. But I need not really petition him at all: I have already claimed Jesus as my Savior, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. All sin I have ever committed or will commit is erased from his Father's book.

My prayer is different now: I don't need to ask for what he has already given me. No, now I will ask him for more of his Spirit, for the ability to keep my sights securely trained on Jesus Christ alone. The way is narrow, and few pass through it. Difficulty is inherent in the choice; our footing is not as sure as his. But what does it matter? My sins, my failures, my consistent inadequacy only magnify his Name even more! If by my lowliness I can make others aware of his greatness, then I am satisfied. I'd rather be the Poopsmith in his Kingdom than the King of the Grey Town.

Lord, please blur away all things that are not of you. Make me deaf to the voice of this world and amnesiac to the memory of my flesh. May all my senses be trained on you alone. Grant me your Spirit to return to others what I take in of you.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Chump Change

Decided some time last week or so that I don't have enough money in my account to cover the costs of signing a rental lease. First month, last month, security deposit, that's worth as much as my teeth. I'll get relocation money from Lockheed, but not in time. So I opted to become a true American: I got a credit card. Turns out the cards offered by my bank are pretty good. Plus, since it is my bank, I get automatic overdraft protection and I can pay balances at any branch and they will go through the same day (except weekends). Unfortunately, I don't have income just yet so that makes it difficult (read "impossible") to get a card. Fortunately, my parents are ever giving of themselves. Mom agreed to put her credit on the line and co-sign on it so I can get the card. She was thinking, "Oh, a limit of a few grand would be good enough." Well due to her excellent credit, my nascient card has a paltry $15,000 limit on it. Thank God that means nothing to me as I don't believe in spending money I don't actually have unless it's unavoidable. God still takes care of all that for me though, so I can have peace.

Got some free furniture and dishes from dad's friend's wife's mother's estate. Nothing fancy, but it'll do until I have money for better. Can't pass up on free stuff. Then stayed another few hours talking to the family. It may be the last time I see them for years. Good stuff. God has some amazing work going on in all of them. Praise his Name.

Had a nice looooooong chat with a dear friend about many things the other night. Exacerbated by the fact that I'm leaving, most likely. It's too bad that we haven't kept up this level of contact for the last four years or so. But it's still good to have such discussions. The man is closer to God than he realizes. It'll just take the right wording to make him realize the significance of what Christ is offering him. I'm confident it'll reach him soon. He understands easily things about God that some lifetime christians never get past. I'm very grateful for him and for all our chats, and the fact that no matter how long it's been, I feel as close to him as I ever did. That's why he'll be one of my best friends for the rest of my life. The cord of true frendship is not frayed by time or distance, it binds people together in spite of the circumstances. Good design, Lord. Good design.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Oh What's the Use...

Let's try this again. (My browser crashed and lost the whole entry.)

Just for grins I decided to try to figure out how much Uncle Sam and Uncle Arnold will be taking out of my paycheck. What I found was a nearly impenetrable web of forms and instructions. In order to get enough information for an accurate estimate, I had seven browser windows going: 3 tax rate tables, 2 for the tax forms (US1040 & CA540), and 2 for the tax form instructions.

I spent a good hour flip-flopping among those windows. At last, defeated and demoralized, I gave up and just guessed that taxes will consume about a third of my income. I reached the conclusion that it is impossible to do your taxes "for fun". Maybe you have to be a tax accountant to get your jollies off that kind of thing. I did learn one thing though, in order to minimize the masochism of the tax process, it will be absolutely essential to keep my receipts organized by EXPENSE. Heretofore I've maintained them in chronological order for my own records. But since deductions are made based on your expenses, aside from knowing the year, order is not important.

Anyway, having estimated my net income, I divided it up into monthly net salary. After figuring in tithe, rent, car, insurance, school loans, utilities, phone, internet, and food, I should have about minus $200 of spending cash each month! Well, so much for paying $1000 on student loans like I'd hoped. And if I eat nothing but top ramen and oranges it'll cut down on food. And I bought this car, but I don't have to drive it, so that will save on gas. And I guess I don't NEED a cell phone. And I'll have internet access at work. Maybe then I can afford a pack of gum or something, if it's not taxed too heavily.

Cynicism aside, I'm probably making a lot of needless worries for myself by doing this. If I trust that God will meet all my earthly needs, I can save myself a lot of unnecessary headaches and anguished fits of frustration. Besides, the Lord dares us to trust him with our money, and Jesus spoke more about it than any other worldly thing. It will be a step of faith, though, to take Him up on His dare. But then...what do I really have to lose? You can't hold on to this world very tightly, I'm learning. In fact, you can't hold onto it at all, because in a flash any or all of it could be gone. I can only hope that God will give me the fortitude to turn it over to Him when He asks...

This blog brought to you by AlltheWeb Image Search and Lisa Massingill's writing style.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

When it just hits you

I've been sorting through my email, weeding out old messages that are no longer pertinent. Most of them aren't any longer as they had to do with events at school, assignments, or some long past deadline. Then it occurred to me, I really am done with college. Not a hazy mental recognition, but a gut feeling. My limbs are actually tingling. In less than a month I will leave everyone and everything I've ever known and begin again in a new place, only this time without my parents to supervise. Reality is a bulwark and when it comes it does no good clamboring to go back over it, you'll only leave bloody finger marks. Fortunately the Lord is giving me the strength to resist the urge to bruise my knuckles against things that I must do. Like an aqueduct He's guiding me to some destination with steadfast patience and unflagging certainty. There was supposed to be more but now there won't be. Stop by again sometime.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

If you love something, set it free...

So the old saying goes. Well I'm back from MN now. It's been one of the most surreal experiences in my life. It's one thing to SAY you'll trust God with some extremely important matter, it's another entirely to actually say the final prayer, turn your face forward, and do it. Lord, grant me strength to choose you.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence


He pretty much said, "You will have change...now." I'm not done reeling because it's hardly begun. There's no doubt in my mind that great things will come of it, but apprehension always lingers like vain company. The few momentos I have will be extremely precious I think. I don't want to wash those just yet: smell is very closely tied to memory. That sounds creepy, but I know you can think of a smell that brings you the comfort of nostalgia. It's certainly the biggest exercise in Faith I've been handed. I have many anxieties about people who are exceedingly important to me. I can't watch over them all the time, nor govern or guide their actions to meet my agenda. That's not true in any circumstance, but a physical separation underscores the reality of it. Lord, make me humble enough to trust you.

Everyone's here.
Everyone's here.
Everybody's watching you now.
Everybody waits for you now.


On the plane back I stood before two paths. One was well trod and wide, the waypost marred by the claw marks of those who refused to abandon it. Its direction was clear. In fact it was so clear that the final destination could be discerned with a little careful examination: futility. Utter indirection, mediocrity, and complacency, but it was at least certain. There were no unexpected twists; one had only to hold on to what was already there with insecure and clenching fists. The other path vanished into a dark thicket after only a few paces. Some unconfident footprints tested its soil, as it were, then returned to the other road. What did that road promise? It could be twice as horrible as the wide road, but it could be a thousand times more wonderful. It was impossible to see beyond the foilage without passing through it. Even the amount of it could not be discovered. Lord, give me wisdom to know your Will.

What happens next?
What happens next?


It doesn't make sense, but the map clearly points to this path. The wide road is very tempting. We always want to know what's going to happen to us in the future; there is big money in it. It's paved with nice smooth stones and soft sand; it almost beckons. There is the appearance of security there, of something tangible. But what kind of end is the middle ground? You may have walked a mile, but while you avoided the shadow of the valley, you missed the grandeur of the mountains. Then again, there's always a chance that you'll slip down some slope you didn't see. If your legs haven't been conditioned to climb, you're stuck. That's no result to be proud of. Nobody celebrates "normal," extraordinary is not achieved by remaining simply "ordinary." That wide path has no future, no wild victory, only an emasculate status quo. That's not the path I want. Lord, embolden me to single-mindedly pursue you.

I dare you to move...